Accidentally… Cimil?By: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
An Accidentally Yours Novella
Muchas Thank Yous
My Forever Romance CREW! Latoya Smith, Marissa Sangiacomo, Jessica Bromberg, Jamie Snider, Kathleen Scheiner, and… Diane Luger and Mike Racz for the awesome cover! You SO nailed it!
Kathlyn Smith, Ally Kraai, Michaela Trott for playing the Create Your Own Cimil Line Contest! (Manliner, pyramid in your skirt, inappropriate unicorn reference… LOL! Good job, ladies.)
To my other awesome fans: for the hysterical, and I mean hysterical, conversations about very strange deities and also for your contributions to our fake Cimil lines.
Spot the Phony Cimil Line
Which one of these lines was not said by Cimil?
1. “Welcome to my insane world. Please keep your hands inside the unicorn at all times.”
2. “Berty, you think you’re badass with that outfit? Your tiny manly parts will be on display when I dump you on the floor.”
3. “Shit is my middle name. Except on Wednesdays when I speak Klingon, then it’s baktag.”
4. “F***ing Cub Scouts. Give them some mistletoe and a few Christmas carols and they think they own the whole f***ing holiday!”
5. “Roberrrrrto, that man-skirt is not bringing sexy back.”
6. “Okay, I am a good goddess. I am a kind goddess, oh, hell. No, I’m not.”
7. “Oh! Pluck, Pluck, Eyeball is my favorite game! It’s like Duck, Duck, Goose… but with eyeballs!”
8. “Helpful is my middle name—except on Saturdays. Then it’s Jaaaasmine…”
9. “Roberto, baby, how many times do I have to tell you? You’re MUCH bigger than my unicorn!”
10. “You may be the big shot Pharaoh Narmer now, but you’re still not wearing my pretty pink skirt to the pyramid celebration no matter how well it swirls when you shift.”
11. “Hey, Roberto, baby, starting the goth craze early with all that eyeliner.”
SEE ANSWERS IN BACK
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Warning: SHORT STORY ahead! This novella will leave you hanging in suspense and may trigger frothing at the mouth and an urge to send the writer hate mail until the release of the series finale, Book #5, Accidentally… Over?
After all he has done to me, I still find myself unable to fully blame him. Because truthfully, some women aren’t meant to be loved. And by some women, I mean me.
I. Am. Evil.
The worst kind of evil.
There are no limits to the death, destruction, and mayhem I will bring to your doorstep if it suits my needs. I will pretend to be your ally. I will pretend to give a rat’s ass about your happiness when in reality only one thing matters. Survival. Okay, survival and avoiding naked clowns.
Judge me if you will, but this is the cold, hard truth about being the Goddess of the Underworld. Because I’ve seen the future. It holds no joy or hope. There is no sunlight. No love. No glorious garage sales where once useful items are given a second chance at a new life. There is only death. So much death.
And it’s up to me to stop it. Me alone.
Okay, Minky and me, but mostly me. Potatoes, patatoes.
And what’s my plan? Try to forget him. And avoid watching Love Boat marathons. And definitely avoid bugs. Can’t afford any distractions. Not now. Not when this giant mess is all my fault.
Why did I ever dare to dream that I could find love and happiness?
I. Am. Evil.
Or maybe I’m just crazy…
PART ONE—CIMIL AND NARMER
THE EARLY YEARS
3000 BC (Give or take a few centuries. Who the hell’s counting?)
The day started like any other. A typical day in the life of a goddess. An ancient, lonely, bored-out-of-her-immortal-skull goddess.
I opened my mind to my brethren, listened to their thoughts (yawn), felt their worries (trivial), and contemplated my otherworldly navel until I decided where my talents were most needed in the world. On this day, that meant checking in on my brother Kinich, God of the Sun, whose self-imposed exile was seriously getting on everyone’s last nerve.