Needing CarrieBy: Jordan Marie
A Savage Brothers MC Novella
I thought that killing the men who had tormented me for years would make me feel better. I had thought that doing so would somehow end the ghosts who have taken up a permanent residence in my brain, stop the voices that haunt me in the dead of the night.
I look over at my brothers. All of them are here. All of them supporting me, even with this gruesome task. A task that would put one more black spot on our souls and doom us all to Hell. Dragon, my club President and best friend, is my brother not blood born, but definitely by the blood we’ve shed. He’s one of the meanest assholes around, but to his family, to the men who have joined the Savage Brothers, he would lay down his life without question. Bull has been through Hell and back on his own. He probably has his own demons yelling at him, but he’s here too. At one time, I hated him, but only because he wanted to lay claim on my Carrie. That’s changed since Skye came into his life. Then there’s Crusher. Crusher doesn’t live here anymore, but he came back just for this, because sometimes true brotherhood runs deeper than even the club’s colors.
These men mean more to me than I could ever tell them. Ever would tell them. Some things a man can’t express outside of a slap on the back and the sharing of a beer. Still, the emotions are there. These three men are my family, as real as if we had been born from the same parents. More so. Because we’ve chosen to be brothers, and betrayal is never something we worry about with each other. It’s rare to have that trust, especially after all the shit we’ve gone through. Somehow, we have it. We know each other’s secrets. We know where the bodies are hidden.
These four rapists—because that was what they were, I can admit that now… they are just four more bodies to add. Four men in dire need of killing. Four men who had crossed one of the Savage Brothers and had to be dealt with.
I thought this would make me feel different. Hell, maybe even cleaner. Erase some of the pain and the torment of my past. A change that would allow me to finally look toward my future without the shadows of my past holding me back. I know my brothers are here, because for them, it is a way of trying to be there for me in ways they couldn’t have been before. They couldn’t save me then. Now…they want to avenge me.
As I put the last shovel of dirt over the pulverized bones, I can’t understand why I don’t feel a sense of victory. Instead, I feel as if nothing has really changed…unless you count the fact that my hands are bloodier.
My eyes go to my hands. Hands that over the past few years have been lucky enough to hold my baby daughter and love my woman, Carrie. I’m not worthy to have those two in my life, but I will never let them go. The simple truth is, without them, I’d give up. I wouldn’t want to live. Hell, I was dying when Carrie came back into my life. She saved me. She is my reason for breathing, my life…my entire world.
Carrie, my daughter, Jazz, and these men are my family. They keep me going. I may not feel better having put an end to the men who violated me. But as I stand here looking at my brothers, suddenly one thing is clear.
I am a survivor. Hell, there are days I’m even happy. The past is just that…the past. My future is all that matters. It’s time to start living and time to stop my memories from dragging me back.
It’s beyond time.
“Jacob! Where have you been? We’re going to be late!”
“Stop your yelling, Care Bear and give me a kiss,” he tells me. He looks tired, and that bothers me. Jacob rarely sleeps at night. He’s usually up at one in the morning and moves down to the living room, so he doesn’t bother me. He doesn’t realize that without him next to me, I can’t sleep all that well either. I miss having his body next to mine. I miss the heat of his arms around me. I ache when he’s not right beside me. Maybe that’s not healthy. I don’t know, but it’s the God’s honest truth.
“We don’t have time. We were supposed to leave for your mother’s thirty minutes ago! And look at you! You’re filthy!”
“We always have time for a kiss, Care. Besides, you like it when I’m dirty,” he grins. My heart flips in my chest as I see his smile. Will I ever get enough of this man? Somehow, I doubt it. His hand comes around the side of my neck and he holds me for our kiss. His lips touch mine first, and just like always, that familiar heat feels my body. I love this man with every breath I take. I have since I was five, and my love for him keeps growing stronger.